


Can't pretend

by Brishke



Category: The Dragon Prince (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Blood, Dark, Gen, Mentioned Callum (The Dragon Prince), Mentioned Viren (The Dragon Prince), Panic Attacks, Rayla-centric (The Dragon Prince), Self-Harm, Self-Hatred
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-07
Updated: 2020-11-07
Packaged: 2021-03-08 23:48:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27435364
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brishke/pseuds/Brishke
Summary: She's sure that her suffering is deserved
Relationships: Callum/Rayla (The Dragon Prince)
Comments: 1
Kudos: 27





	Can't pretend

**Author's Note:**

> Tom Odell - Can't pretend

Love, I have wounds

Only you can mend

You can mend oh oh oh

I guess that's love

I can't pretend

I can't pretend, oh oh oh

_He’s next in my collection._

Rayla jerked abruptly in her sleep, quickly settling into a sitting position and grabbing at her blades. When the frantic pounding of her heart calmed down a little, she just cursed softly under her breath, squeezing the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes again. The fifth nightmare of the night is a new record, but for some reason, she is not at all happy about it. But at least she learned to wake up without screaming and in most cases without crying.

Almost.

She wiped her wet cheeks in irritation and exhaled heavily - she always cried when Callum dreamed. If she, as far as possible, got used to seeing her parents and Runaan and Ethari every time again and again in her dreams, then Callum was a stranger there. No, not even that - she just felt unbearable that he was now there, in her memories, and not with her. But unlike her family, he could be with her.

Only, she couldn't be near.

Feel, my skin is rough

But it can be cleansed

It can be cleansed, oh oh oh

She was a plague. A poisonous of life, a black misfortune that destroys and kills everything around itself, until it's completely alone. Rayla knew very well that she only brought pain and suffering to others, especially to those few who were dear to her. She is a disappointment that only lets everyone down and it was best to stay away from Callum, otherwise he will end up just like her family.

She left without saying goodbye, left by deceit and lies, left as a traitor. But what else was there to do when the one who took the dearest people lives and breathes, but they don't?! And Rayla felt with all her gut that Callum was next.

But she won’t allow it.

She will find Viren faster, wherever he’s hiding, and will do everything to drive him to hell, where he belongs. Even if it means being there with him.

Rayla doesn't care.

But only Viren is nowhere to find, his trail is always slipping out of her hands and no matter how she tries, she continues to swallow dust after him. She has been living - read, surviving - in the Lands of Xadia for a year now, trying to catch up with the elusive dark magician. She grabs at every gossip about a person on this part of the continent, runs at any mention of dark magic, doesn’t sleep at night thinking through plans and possible tactics, trains to a crunch in the bones to be ready to meet him.

But she has no idea where to find him.

He's gone and she can't go back to Callum with nothing, not after she left with one fucking note, not after she never returned after a year of wandering. Therefore, she doesn't spare herself, works for wear and doesn’t think to stop.

Rayla just fucking doesn't care what happens to her. She doesn't care about her own life, empty and bleak, painful and disappointing.

Rayla is already dead.

It was a long process, piece by piece, her soul was torn to pieces and buried in the ground, just like the people who were associated with her.

Parents

Runaan

Team

Ethari was still alive and seems to even be worried about her, but Rayla cannot forgive herself for taking his husband.

She is to blame for his death, she is to blame for the death of King Harrow, her team, the castle guards and many other people. Could she then convince Runaan to call off the mission, Ezran and Callum would still have a father, and Viren wouldn’t have ascended the throne and turned thousands of people into mindless monsters for the rest of their days.

And my arms are tough

But they can be bent

They can be bent

And I wanna fight

But I can't contend

Rayla breathes often, but the air does not seem to enter her lungs at all, she suffocates, cries uncontrollably and drowns-drowns-drowns in the blood of those killed by her. She turns her inside out, she is either too cold or unbearably hot and her whole body trembles and shakes incessantly. She sobs and chokes with a sigh, and so on and on, once again scrolling it all over in her head over and over again and again cursing herself for all the pain that she caused dear people.

It's too much.

It hurts too much.

Too many things.

She is desperate. She has nowhere to go, nowhere to run, no one to return to. All she can do is to suffocate with air on the cold floor of the cave, because it hurts so much inside that it would be better if she again bound herself, or somehow felt physical pain, rather than bursting from mental pain.

The glamor eventually wears off, although she continues to shake. She is covered in sweat and her face is red with tears. She has a defocused gaze and shaking hands, but Rayla still doesn’t care about her body, she even hates it to some extent.

As, however, all herself.

She takes her blade and, with a sharpened movement, easily brings him into combat readiness.

“First blood,” she thinks with an almost grin, but can't wait any longer and impatiently pulls off the oversleeve, exposing her left wrist. Around it is an old thin binding scar for killing Ezran, and Rayla only hates herself more for it.

*

*

*

The pain was acute.

She lets out a ragged breath as the blade cuts through the skin with ease and blood flow freely down her arm. Each new cut was only deeper and deeper, for each death through her fault, until she could no longer hold back her tears. The deepest came when she thought about Runaan. She deserved the pain.

But after that, it was easier.

Not for long, but it was easier.

The back thoughts she's about notes that this will solve absolutely nothing, which will only bring addiction and destruction.

But she doesn't care again. She is destruction, and destruction has received what it deserves.

But this isn’t for long. Soon, thoughts will return to the old stream and Rayla needs something that will distract her physical pain from her mental pain constantly...

The white cloth of the binding with a small moon symbol replaces the previous one, turning red, however, only from her blood.

“A week to find Viren, or I'll lose my hand,” Rayla thought as she staggered out of the cave.

But she doesn't care again

She still also has a second hand.


End file.
